Valentines and Loyalty

"Go Away! Go back where you came from! No one here likes you!" I barely had time to read the words, let alone their meaning, before friends pulled them off of my locker and ripped them apart.  It was Valentine's Day my junior year in high school.  For a fundraiser, a club sold hearts by the word to be placed anonymously on lockers while you were in class. I remember the thrill of seeing three hearts on my locker as I walked towards it, then the shock of seeing the hateful words, and finally the ferocity of my friends in trying to destroy the damage!  Good and faithful friends.  Loyal.

Then my either at the time boyfriend or soon to be, or be no longer (funny how I forget these things) gave me a ride home and in the midst of comforting me let me know that he would continue to be friends with the girl who had perpetuated the hate.  I hadn't asked him not to be friends with her.  And that reminded me of another time, even more forgotten, of someone who was hurting me, and a friend letting me know that she was going to remain friends with that  hurtful person.

It confused me, because I didn't think that I had asked them to declare their loyalty to me.  But given time, and seeing it happen with others, I realize what was happening.  At a time when I was hurting, I needed comfort, they were thinking about themselves.  It wasn't a choice of loyalty to me or to the other person.  They had chosen and were declaring their loyalty to themselves.  Instead of thinking, how can I help my hurting friend, they were thinking, "How does this affect me?"

I'm just going to go ahead and say it.  A true friend is loyal.  And by this I mean that they are more concerned with your crisis than they are about their comfort.  Samwise Gamgee gave up his comfort to encourage, hold accountable, carry his friend Frodo.  Jonathan gave up his comfort, his throne, his birthright to be a friend to David. Jesus gave up his comfort, his life to be our Eternal Friend.

Friends aren't perfect, but if their first concern in your crisis is about how this affects them, then they are not, by my definition, loyal.  You can do better.  And should.

Letting It All Out (Keys to Surviving The Storm)

You’ve been thrown onto a leaky boat in the middle of The Storm.  You’re forced to leave the warm, familiar shore of comfort, and it’s disappearing rapidly.  Broken in spirit, crushed in your heart, what do you do now?  Look for supplies, try rowing back to shore, hoist a sail?  Maybe you’ll pull out your survival guide, “Keys to Surviving The Storm”, and that’s what some of these blogs detail.

One thing “good Christians”do poorly is grieve.  Oh, maybe there’s a tear shed here and there.  A little pity party, and then we bite our lip and declare that it’s going to be okay.  God has a plan.  He doesn’t give me more than I can handle.  And we try to move forward in the storm, denying the depth of the grief, anger and confusion we feel. 

The result is often someone who suddenly leaves their faith.  It seems like one day they just stopped believing God is there for them.  He doesn’t answer prayer.  He can’t be trusted. But it didn’t happen in one day.  It was a lifestyle of keeping hidden the real feelings in their hearts.  And in those secret places, bitterness and disbelief grew.

Our friends and family get uncomfortable when we’re still hurting and angry.  We get affirmation for putting on a happy face and saying that it’s going to be okay.  And can we really trust God with our true feelings?  Could we possibly tell him how hurt, confused and angry we are?

If he can’t be trusted with our true feelings now, let’s get it over and done with.  Wouldn’t you rather know the truth today, than to slap on that happy face and walk away bitter years from now? Unless we empty all the secret places of disappointment, God will never be able to fill them.

David was declared a man after God’s own heart.  Yet, he was such a sinner.  What made him so special to God? I think it was because he opened his heart.  Truly, ruthlessly opened his raw, wounded heart.  I can barely read sections of his Psalms out loud without blanching. Such gut wrenching honesty that I don’t think I could say out loud as a “good Christian”.  But David opened all the secret places of his heart, and God was trusted.  He proved himself trustworthy.

One key to surviving this Storm is to be brutally honest with God with all of your feelings. You only have your preconceived notions of what you should be doing to lose.  You have God’s grace, understanding, mercy, love, forgiveness, acceptance, trust to gain.

Next time we’ll discuss ways to let it all out safely.  Because even though God can be trusted completely, not all of his people can be.  Oh yes, and God does give us more than we can handle.  He does it a lot.

Why Am I Not Enough? (Why Doesn't he Love me Anymore Part 2)

Why wasn’t I enough to keep him?  Was I not pretty enough, smart enough, interesting, sexy, adventurous, (fill in the space)…enough?

No. You were not enough.  Not for him, not for that relationship, not for the dream.  Give me a chance to explain.

Boy meets girl, and he goes on to tell her how wonderful she is.  These are all the ways they both believe that she is the special one.  They are probably all true.  You can remember and still have the texts to prove all the sweet things he said about you. 

 Of all the things he’s told you, though, it boils down to how he’s feeling.  He feels really good about himself.  He’s snagged the pretty/smart/funny one.   He belongs.  He’s special when he’s with you.

 But there are a lot of other things that both you and he are looking for that have never been mentioned.  Maybe he’s looking for someone that won’t take any guff like his mother does.  Or maybe he wants someone that will.  You might be looking for someone that’s going to give you security or that makes all the decisions.  There are things that you don’t even know that you need in another.






So, I’ll just pick on him today.  He (like us all)
has some areas that need growth.  Maybe he’s selfish, a manipulator, apathetic, you name it.  And he’s realizing that some things that he wants, like freedom and attention from others, might conflict with things that you want—togetherness, commitment.

Let’s say that we could measure these things on an emotionally healthy scale.  We’ll talk about how to measure that another day.  Let’s also assume, for the last picture, that you are fairly healthy, and he is not.  Whether you’ve pointed out his deficiencies or not, he’s become aware of them just by being around you.  Now, he’s not feeling so great about himself.

 

In this picture, you’re seeing that through his eyes,you are not enough.  

For this illustration, you’re not trusting enough, not independent enough, too clingy.  Maybe some of the things he's told you or you've been telling yourself.

But if you switch the graph around to an emotionally healthy measurement, you’ll see that there are basically four options.  Either you will raise him closer to your emotional health, he’ll lower you to his, you will continually have unresolved conflict, or you will part. 

 We all have many faults and weaknesses.  But a healthy person loves in a way that doesn’t let those things overwhelm them.  Yes, do some honest self-evaluation, but also ask yourself,”Are these things I’m beating myself up over truly my character flaws, or could it possibly be that he didn’t have the emotional health to value what happens in a forever relationship? “  If it’s the latter, then actually, he left because HE was not enough.

Why Doesn't He Love Me Any More? Part I

Ahhh.  The Why question. Why doesn't he love me?  Why is this happening to me?  But my why is different.  Why do you need to know?

Let's pretend that you hold a magic mirror that tells you the truth of someone else's heart. What are you hoping to see?  There's some glaring fault you were blind to, but can now change?  He's being lied to by someone, and the truth will set him free to loving you again?  What we want is some control over this heartbreak, and understanding why deceives us into thinking we can have that control.  If I know why his feelings have changed, then I can change them back.  But, of course, that is a lie.  I know you don't want to hear that, or believe it.  But read it again.  Read it everyday.  You can't change his mind.  You can't be perfect.

Let's say that God tells you exactly why this is happening.  Feel any better?  Because God would tell you about the growth you're going through and show you a future beyond what you can imagine.  What you really want is to argue with Him.  Explain how his reasons aren't good enough. You don't want that future.  You want the one that got away.  

So the why you need to know is bogus.  But, it's still there.  And I have a few answers to that.  When you're ready to listen. When the reason you want to know isn't so you can change everything.

In the meantime, you need some control over something.  And that something is you and the mind baffling state you keep living.  Confront that why with an answer.  When I need to know, God will tell me.  Repeat that every time you start to ask why.  Repeat it until you believe it.  

Singing Our Way through a Break-up

Ask someone the songs that were meaningful to them during a break-up, and they won't disappoint.  Songwriters, and the myriad of professionals attached to them, have been making beau-coup bucks off of heartbreak for awhile now. It's easy to understand. Music touches our soul.  It speaks to our innermost turmoil.

I also love books.  There are a lot of great books on the ultimate break-up, divorce, but not too many on our common girlfriend/boyfriend parting of ways.  A lot of songs.  Not many books.  Is it because the markets are high school and college age girls, and the powers that be think they only have the attention span to cry their eyes out, but not grow?

Because books tend to be about growing.  Whereas break-up songs are about wallowing, longing, revenge, and self-pity.  Sure there are a few that dream of better days, mostly the kind where you stomp all over his heart like he did to you.  (see revenge)

So if you, or your friend, or your daughter are, have or are going to experience the break-up, then join me as we try to figure out some of this growing stuff.  I guess that includes about everyone.

By the way, here are two songs that I briefly cherished during my big break-up.

Still pulls me in.

And this one was not only a hope, but eventually a reality...

So, give up the dirt, what are/were your meaningful break-up songs?

Letting Go

He climbed up the ladder to the backyard slide, cautiously, but with little fear. Two years old and eager to adventure. I stood in the doorway, willing myself to let him. I pulled my controlling fingers off of him one at a time.  Deliberately.  Fearfully.  But determined to trust.  Either he would make it, or he would fall.  If he fell, it wouldn't be fatal.  And isn't life about falling, failing, trying again, and adventuring?

And I've been purposefully peeling my controlling fingers off of him, his younger siblings,  a marriage, my plans, my self... ever since.  But without the determined letting go, our fingers will be bruised and our hearts may be broken.  Not only that, but we are avoiding the beginning of a new dream.  The new places our lives want to go.

Almost 25 years later, and that same boy participates in amazing events like The Goruck Challenge  where he carries 30 pounds of bricks in a backpack, does crazy crawls, push-ups, and all things challenging (in the middle of the night). And pays for the right to be a weekend warrior.  It's still scary for me, even more so since he brings along one of his brothers.  Any finger control I would have over this is imaginary.

Today I am peeling the fingers off of security and venturing out to try new dreams.  It's been a security that doesn't really work for me, but it's comfortable.  I know it.  The ride down that slide, however unknown, has got to be totally worth it.