Why Am I Not Enough? (Why Doesn't he Love me Anymore Part 2)

Why wasn’t I enough to keep him?  Was I not pretty enough, smart enough, interesting, sexy, adventurous, (fill in the space)…enough?

No. You were not enough.  Not for him, not for that relationship, not for the dream.  Give me a chance to explain.

Boy meets girl, and he goes on to tell her how wonderful she is.  These are all the ways they both believe that she is the special one.  They are probably all true.  You can remember and still have the texts to prove all the sweet things he said about you. 

 Of all the things he’s told you, though, it boils down to how he’s feeling.  He feels really good about himself.  He’s snagged the pretty/smart/funny one.   He belongs.  He’s special when he’s with you.

 But there are a lot of other things that both you and he are looking for that have never been mentioned.  Maybe he’s looking for someone that won’t take any guff like his mother does.  Or maybe he wants someone that will.  You might be looking for someone that’s going to give you security or that makes all the decisions.  There are things that you don’t even know that you need in another.






So, I’ll just pick on him today.  He (like us all)
has some areas that need growth.  Maybe he’s selfish, a manipulator, apathetic, you name it.  And he’s realizing that some things that he wants, like freedom and attention from others, might conflict with things that you want—togetherness, commitment.

Let’s say that we could measure these things on an emotionally healthy scale.  We’ll talk about how to measure that another day.  Let’s also assume, for the last picture, that you are fairly healthy, and he is not.  Whether you’ve pointed out his deficiencies or not, he’s become aware of them just by being around you.  Now, he’s not feeling so great about himself.

 

In this picture, you’re seeing that through his eyes,you are not enough.  

For this illustration, you’re not trusting enough, not independent enough, too clingy.  Maybe some of the things he's told you or you've been telling yourself.

But if you switch the graph around to an emotionally healthy measurement, you’ll see that there are basically four options.  Either you will raise him closer to your emotional health, he’ll lower you to his, you will continually have unresolved conflict, or you will part. 

 We all have many faults and weaknesses.  But a healthy person loves in a way that doesn’t let those things overwhelm them.  Yes, do some honest self-evaluation, but also ask yourself,”Are these things I’m beating myself up over truly my character flaws, or could it possibly be that he didn’t have the emotional health to value what happens in a forever relationship? “  If it’s the latter, then actually, he left because HE was not enough.